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REIKI & MENTAL ALCHEMY

  • sunplutoalchemist

About Me - Part 1

Updated: Sep 14, 2023

I rarely share about myself, to be frank. So much so to the extend that I only realised it now, that my hands would tremble just a little whenever anyone asked me to share more about myself.


And when I first started down this route of soultrepreneur, I know that it becomes inevitable now that I need to have a social media presence, and that sent me down another road of healing my becoming of being vulnerable and being seen. It wasn't fun, but necessary.


So I inch towards my goal everyday.


Some days I took a step,

some days I crawled,

some days I laid on the floor and cried, and look back at the place where I came from, yearning to sprint back to where I felt "safe" even though there might be zero progress.

Somedays I pulled out hair out and questioned "whyyy did I choose to do this?? No progression, no healing isn't so bad after all!"


But here I am, somehow. I couldn't even make logical sense of how I got here, but somehow, I feel ready. I'm ready to let me inner critic go on a holiday, while I share my story.


So here goes nothing.


Fear | ill


For as long as I can remember, I'm a scared little child. I always felt like I was tiny and little, both spiritually and physically. I went in and out of both hospitals and clinics for the better part of my childhood, for many different reasons. And I always couldn't sleep at night, developing a fear of insomnias. And even when I do sleep, there were always monsters in my dreams.


Correction- there are always monsters in my dreams. Still do, until this day.


While I frantically went around looking for comfort and safety, I was always dissed off, being told I was too weak (always falling ill), overthinking hence all the nightmares, and just a scary cat overall.


Overthinking vs Deep Thinking


When I was ten, probably after a science class talking about and celebrating famous scientists like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, I asked one of my friends-


Working hard our whole live with the aim of achieving something great so that we can have our names go down in history, vs enjoying life to its fullest even though not we might not leave our name behind? Which would you prefer and why? With the assumption (of course) we wouldn't even be alive when our names and achievements are celebrated?


I don't remember getting an answer from my friend, who was ten too.


Unfortunately, thinking deep and asking questions like that isn't usually well received. Within my family, I was coined the overthinker and the one who make things difficult.


For example, in school, when I was told this is how the lungs work. I will ask more questions like, how did people find this out? What equipment did they use? How were the ideas derived on how to build the equipment?


And of course, asking questions beyond what they themselves know, sometimes, is an attack on their ego, which I know only now. During then, I was told I am a child who couldn't learn and accept things that were told to me. I eventually learned asking too many questions were frown upon.


Empathy | Intuition vs Overly Sensitive


On top of all of that, I am blessed (and cursed) with empathy and intuition as one of my gifts.


You know how most of the superheroes stories portray that their superpowers were born out of trauma? Yes, it felt like that. Most of the time when we watch those superhero movies with envy and go, "I want that!", not realising the true extend of the pain they have to go through to heal their trauma (sometime not even its entirety) and learn to hone their gifts.


For a huge part of my life, I just want to shave off my empathy and intuition with a paring knife. I always pictured it being on my skin, imagining that's how their emotions got through me, to me. And I used to want to shave it off with a paring knife, like how you shave off the skin off a potato.


It made it so hard to fit into society. It was a steep learning curve. There was no lessons or workshop on "how to live with empathy amongst your non-empathic peers" and "how to discern which intuition to share, and when not to, and what are the consequences?".


I got asked a couple of times, what made it hard to live with empathy and intuition?


Empathy is when you are feel into what other people are feeling. For a very long time, they were all just feelings to me, lump into one, in me. I couldn't discern which is my true blue feeling, and which isn't.


For example, when I was in the showering cubicle in a swimming pool, sometimes a sense of impatience will wash over me, and I will end up showering myself hastily. When I am done and exiting the cubicle, I realised there is a queue, and some are waiting impatiently for me to be done.


And because of this, for a very long time, I have unconsciously become a people-pleaser without even realising it- my priority has become finding relief in not triggering anyone to feel negatively.


Moreover, also for a very big part of my life, I have been reacting and responding to other's unspoken feelings. For example, my father may be angry at something, but have been trying his best to suppressed it, maybe not wanting his anger to affect our family time. But when I appear to be frightened, or even ask why is he angry, my reaction or response will trigger him. And of course, if he's suppressing it, he will go on full denial mode. Soon enough, I am coined as the child who is overly sensitive.


Society | Culture Issues


There were, of course, society issues that affect everyone else too. Like for me, coming from a family background who mainly are Chinese speaking and have little education, I am a constantly target by a few of my classmates who came from family background who are more highly educated and speaks better English, comparing me to them to make them feel more superior.


Of course, there were fun times for me as a child. Those silly times when I ran mindlessly and carefree in the field catching butterflies with my cousin, enjoying the cold water in the pool during hot days, eating hotdog on a stick in school while playing hopscotch with our poor wallets that soon covered with dust and dirt.


Other times, the family, society and culture begin to plague me with their limiting beliefs and conditionings, their projections and deflections, their ego and their denial. Unfortunately, at a point of my life, I took them all in, and let them all be true. That I am small, weak, an overthinker and overly sensitive. And I need to change all of them to be better.


_______________


This is getting too long, so I'm going to continue with another post to talk more about how I turn things around, and still am turning things around, to turn my curses into my gifts.


Because once upon a time, a wise (but not old) person told me, until the day you learn to hone your gifts, it will continue to be your curse.


For now, I hope this little story of mine, makes anyone out there who chance upon this post, and if we share similar stories and gifts, makes you feel less alone in this journey. And if it calls to you, reach out to me. :) I always love to have friends to walk along this journey call life. We don't have to be alone.

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