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  • Jasmine

Blog: People pleaser speaking up

Updated: Jun 4

It's funny how I'm always nervous before I start writing. I am almost absolutely sure that no words will flow out of me, even though they usually do. I get blocks sometimes in the middle of writing something, but usually it will flow again when I go do something else for a little bit.

I have been told multiple times (in fact, by three intuitive readers) how my throat chakra is block. For the life of me, I have no idea how to unblock it, or even what the blocks are. I've tried many methods- reiki-ing my throat, playing frequency music, singing. Recently, I even considered getting a crystal, but that's another story for another time.

The more I research more about it, the more I realised might be linked to the heart, since it's about struggling to speak the truth. This video that I managed to chance upon explained it quite well. But still I couldn't figure out- what are the truth in my heart that I am finding hard to speak up?

But here's how the Universe works in mysterious way- it brought me the person who can show it to me.

Picture from Canva

Yesterday, I went to meet a friend whom I've known for more than 10 years. It's those kind of friend that we don't stay in contact consistently, and we just meet up once in a blue moon (and the blue moon was just here). And now, knowing how the Universe works, I know that things happen for a reason. They are not just mere coincidence, so I stayed open and aware of what might that reason be.

Said friend suggested eating Western, and I said okay. When I was about to reach, little did I know we will have to rush to get a queue number to avoid a possible one-hour queue. I felt my anxiety creeping up. I am an empath who had come a long way in learning how to live with my overwhelming amount of emotions- both mine and everyone else around me.

The old me would have gone with whatever she wanted. But a voice inside of me said, hang on, you are working on your self-worth. Is it going to do you any good to just go along with her wants and needs like how you always do?

So, of course, still not an expert at stating my boundary firmly, I said "Do you really have to eat that? I don't feel comfortable eating in a crowded place." And little did I know, she said "Yes, I want go there." , in spite of me what I said. My heart sank a little bit, that I now have to go to a place that I really didn't want to.

And I don't know if it's a fortunate or unfortunate thing, but my anxiety continue to rise, like it's calling out to me to do something about it. So I made a suggestion that is not the social norm, but I am, honestly, totally fine with it. "Let me wait for you someplace else, and we can meet afterwards for tea to chat."

And of course, she said no. She 'compromised' and we meet someplace else for dinner instead. And I can feel she wasn't too happy about it.

When I tried to explain to her, that I'm trying to stand up more for myself and my boundaries, hence I choose not to go, she kept going on about how she asked and I actually said okay before meeting up. There was definitely a lot of unhappiness on her end, but I couldn't make out whether it was because I deterred her plans, or felt like I was deflecting the 'blame' onto her.

So I said 'it was never about finding fault- I'm just trying to explain myself.' It was not well received, and she kept quiet for quite a while.

Instead of jumping straight into the mode of how I usually behave, which is freezing my emotions within and pretending I was okay with everything, but ranting and complaining to my husband afterwards about what a bad person she is, I just stayed still. I told myself, this is a lesson to be learn, and it's time to heighten my awareness, as objectively as I can.

I let the rest of the conversation flow as it is, observing the stories that she's telling and how my emotions are reacting.

Then I realised the similarities, but unfortunately, too common, of her, my father, and many others out there.

They have strong opinions on things, and they 'approve' or 'disapprove' of others based on their own opinions.

My father likes young, trendy, people who dresses well. Oh well, generally good looking young people.

Whenever he sees young and well-dress people, he goes all smiley, put this thumbs up and say "I like", or "I approve". And goes on and on about how it's so pleasing on the eye etc. Sometimes when he saw older people who are dressed trendily, he will scrunch his face in disapproval and will say something like "Look at that fat, wrinkly waist. How dare she wear clothes like that. Does she have no shame?"

The saddest part of it all is- I have grown so accustomed to this that I never saw how it affected me my whole life, probably until now. These people are actually not uncommon, and people pleaser like me just fall prey into their hands unconsciously, and almost automatically.

Growing up in an environment like this, where there is very little acceptance of differences, and there are strong disapprovals of things that my father simply cannot accept, I have learned what to do, or what not to do, in order to not step into the realm of things where my father simply do not like. Because standing up for what I actually want means I will have to 'fight' with him, or anyone else who is similar, like this friend of mine. Most of the time, I simply just give it. And honestly, when I can, I 'run'. It's a constantly swing between the fawn and flight trigger responses.

Sometimes I do fight though. When the psyche couldn't hold it in, when I couldn't bear to give in anymore, my fight response comes out a little too strongly at times. As simple as choosing a place to eat, when my father's food preference and mine are different. When I sometimes insist to gi with what I want, he will call me 'picky and unaccomodating'.

But because this is what I'm accustomed to, my automatic emotional response when I am being called names when I stand my ground, is that I am wrong, I am the problem, and I am rejected because I deserve to be. The feeling of rejection is (still) an emotion that I find it so hard to tolerate that I'd rather give in and compromise myself. Or I rather not engage at all, rather than being called names.

After almost a lifetime, it was yesterday that I managed to see it clearly now. After years of healing, and being triggered just enough but still being able to maintain awareness. And also, sadly, I realised how common it is for a people pleaser to fall prey into the hands of a narcissistic, egocentric person. But also, how is this is not talked about more openly, more frequently enough to raise awareness?

And how we almost automatically feel like we are in the wrong when we are being called names, when the other person hold no empathic regards for our wants and needs at all?

Seeing this clearer than before, I also choose to let go of the need to make the other a bad person. Making them a bad person isn't going to make them have more regards for me empathically, or is it going to help me to set my boundaries better.

Like I always say, setting boundaries is like playing a chess. You can never control what move the other person is going to make. But we can observe the move, and then decide on our next move.

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