Blog Post: "Want to" Vs "Have to"

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These few days, I have been"paralysed" by stress and anxiety, or should I say, the stress and anxiety caused by procrastinating on things that I "should" be doing. However, the moment I start doing those things, the anxiety grew and overwhelmed me. And when I rest, I don't really feel like I'm resting because the anxiety is telling me I am not doing the things I should be doing.

Damn. I couldn't do either and I'm still plagued with anxiety. I really didn't know what to do, except... I do.

I dived into my own psyche with Mental Alchemy, and had a conversation with the part of me that's feeling all the anxiety. It appeared in a form of a young, teenage boy, who told me he's paralysed by all the "have-tos". There are too many "have-tos" to be done, and he didn't even know where's the finish line. He looked down and exhausted.

Inside his psyche, another appeared in a form of a woman. She was a long lost family member, who decided to cut ties with us. She sat quietly, looking at me sceptically. I know what she was thinking.

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Throughout the whole course of the period that she decided to cut ties with us, many relatives kept trying to get in contact with her. Telling her she has to forgive us, has to come back, and when she does, we will all be one big, happy family again. Then, it occurred to me, no one ever asked for her thoughts, how she was feeling, what she went through. No one asked her for her story. And this part of me felt the exactly same way.

So, I told her. She might, or might not relate (it's not always good to assume), that I cut ties with my own part of the family too. I deliberately kept them at bay. Even though I didn't hear much of the judgement and criticisms, because I purposefully kept them out of my life, I can imagine them criticising me, how unfilial I am, that I should go back to see them etc. No one asked me how I am doing, why I chose to do that, and most importantly, what I want. No one asked, but instead, many told me what I should be doing.

Almost immediately I started tearing up. While yes, I might have internalised many of the external voices that eventually become my inner critic, I never realised I had deprived myself to true "wants" except now. It was a release, and I can feel that part of me accepting and trusting me.

And through Mental Alchemy, I gave him and her what they wanted. She wanted to dine at a cafe at Paris beside a bed of flower, and he wants to have a picnic at Botenic garden in front of the lake. All these while, we are kept companied by our spirit guides, Angel Reohael and Angel Poyel.

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Even though I have been using Mental Alchemy for more than a year now, it never cease to amaze me how much deeper I can dive, and how much more revelations I can find out about myself. And now, it's time to integrate. And it's time to fulfill my wants, and giving myself permissions to fulfill my wants.